Porn: You may not go blind but…
Looking at porn has become an acceptable past-time for a large number of males in the U.S. I have heard many males say, “all men look at it”, and women ask, “don’t all men look at it”? It would seem, given the fact that it is an issue I have seen so often in my practice, that “all” males do, in fact, look at it. According to a 2018 Gallup poll, 43% of Americans say pornography is “morally acceptable”. For males 18-49, 67% say it is morally acceptable. Ok, I get it, we live in a post-modern, relativistic society where, as long as I’m not hurting anyone I should be able to do what I want. Right? Well, I am no philosopher but I can say with certainty that following that line of thinking to it’s logical conclusion doesn’t work. The fact is, pornography destroys. It does hurt people. The evidence is pretty clear even though many would rather ignore it.
Whether gay or straight porn seems to be an issue for most guys. And when I say an issue, I mean something that when they really think about it, is taking up more time than they like, hurting relationships, affecting performance in the bedroom, and oftentimes leaving them feeling guilty or ashamed. Now this isn’t popular information even in my field but leading relationship experts John and Julie Gottman seem to agree that pornography does negatively affect relationships (see link below).
I have witnessed this in my office. A couple comes in for one reason or another and at some point sex becomes a topic of discussion. I always ask about porn use. More often than not the guy says something ridiculous like, “I look at it once in a while but it’s not a big deal”. I then look at his wife and ask, “how do you feel about him masturbating to porn”? I have yet to get an enthusiastic, “I JUST LOVE IT WHEN MY HUSBAND MASTURBATES TO OTHER WOMEN”! What this guy failed to see is that It is a big deal!! It’s a big deal to her!
The guy that has convinced his wife that “all guys do it” is simply being a jerk, manipulating his wife so that he can treat his penis like a toy.
Pornography use is potentially addictive. According to Voon et al.
“The current and extant findings suggest that a common network exists for sexual-cue reactivity and drug-cue reactivity in groups with CSB and drug addictions, respectively. These findings suggest overlaps in networks underlying disorders of pathological consumption of drugs and natural rewards”. (p. 9)
I’m a guy. I get it. We live in a world surrounded by images of airbrushed perfection. Girls on social media from teens to the elderly seem to have a profound need to show as much T&A as those platforms will allow. The message following the picture is something to the effect of, “It’s my body, I should be allowed to show it”. I have a lot to say about that and I don’t generally mind offending anyone but I will save that for another article. The point is this, the fact that you are surrounded by it doesn’t mean you must act on it. Consider self-control part of being a man. Part of living a life that brings you closer to fulfillment and purpose includes not indulging your impulses. I know that’s not popular with the peacocking, hero-worshipping, wannabes out there. I don’t care. Decide today to live your life free of the need to indulge your urges like a kid on Christmas morning. Your wife, girlfriend, or partner likely doesn’t respect it which makes you less of a man in their eyes.
https://www.gottman.com/blog/an-open-letter-on-porn/
Voon, V.; Mole, T.B.; Banca, P.; Porter, L.; Morris, L.; Mitchell, S.; Lapa, T.R.; Karr, J.; Harrison, N.A.; Potenza, M.N.; Irvine, M. Neural Correlates of Sexual Cue Reactivity in Individuals with and without Compulsive Sexual Behaviours. PLoS ONE 2014, 9, e102419.